triphopx's Xanga

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Sat, 29 Oct 2005 11:28:16 GMT

My only successful attempt at being narcissistic online is at www.myspace.com/triphopx.

Thursday, August 05, 2004

Thu, 05 Aug 2004 19:01:25 GMT

I'm so bad about blogging. I'll never be one of those bloggers who has everyone reading their blogs everyday. Maybe I'm not narcissistic enough. Or maybe I'm too busy living life to spend it in front of a computer to display it for everyone else. I'm only ever home long enough to eat and sleep. I only ever blog when I'm bored at work, which will end shortly enough (today is my last day!). Soon my days will be filled with:

1. Law school

2. Street salsa dance group practices and performances; teaching private salsa lessons; just letting loose and dancing; keeping my promise to myself to not lose track of salsa in law school

3. Travelling to NYC as much as possible

4. Freelance work for an old boss of mine

5. Bike rides and jogs everywhere

6. More gym time (can't wait to start getting a free gym membership through the school!)

7. Live music, blues, jazz, latin jazz, whatever...

8. Harvesting the veggies and things in my garden

9. Loving being single because its the only time I have to do everything I want -- and the day I find a guy I can do everything I want while still being with him is the day I'll get married.

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

Tue, 06 Apr 2004 14:47:24 GMT

I finally started working on my novel again. I don't know why it took me so long. I think it has something to do with the fact that I tend to be drawn towards the dark, moody, broody, intense types and letting them draw me into their world. My sense of suffocation at the end of my 2.5 year relationship with John was a sinking feeling that I had lost myself somewhere in the midst of coupledom, that I didn't do the things I loved because I was so intent on making things work out... but more than anything, I was afraid of leaving him behind in the dust. Even with Kamran, I found myself altogether too often at his house watching TV, something I never do on my own time, but because I wanted to spend time with him, that's what we did. He took me to nice restaurants, then we watched TV. And so I stopped doing the things that I like to do, that make it more bearable to live because of these guys. Not their faults, though, I should have been more adament about prioritizing my "me" time.

Being single has made me realize that I started being okay with not needing companionship (friend or otherwise) to do the things I like to do. And now, some of my most fulfilling times are the days I wake up at 6 am and head to the gym, or to the Farmer's Market, or to the cafe to do the crossword alone. And I started to enjoy my nights to myself when both roommates were gone and I could just sit at my desk and write with a cup of tea by my side. Moving to the new house with Sean and Lexi will help with the nights at home because with Elana moving to Adams Morgan, I'll no longer feel the need to avoid being home. At the same time, I have her to thank for getting me out of the house and doing things I probably would not otherwise do.

My thoughts are very scattered today. I don't think my body adjusted well to daylight savings, although I'll appreciate it when the weather gets a little sunnier, less rainy and a wee bit warmer and I can grill after work :). I'm totally ga-ga over my new grill and I can't wait for spring to really kick in.

Monday, April 05, 2004

Mon, 05 Apr 2004 19:06:55 GMT

Jeremy

I met a boy I actually like. One who can be sweet and sensitive, but has that glint of evil in his eye that says he's not a pushover. One who is young at heart and body but has a maturity of mind rarely found these days. One who understands that life really is too short to waste away each day doing nothing.

He's the type to play trivial pursuit until 3 am, listen to bluegrass over a pint of good beer, go to a soccer game, buy green tea at the farmer's market, spend time with his family, travel to any country he can possibly figure out how to find a cheap plane ticket to, talk and laugh with limbs entwined, be responsible while letting go, be chivalrous without being pretentious, joke about being a boy scout and fuzzy handcuffs all in the same breath, be shy and tentative and demanding a minute later in bed, appreciate my superman underwear, appreciate cooking and discovering new food... and I know all this and I barely know him. It can only get better from here.

He said something extremely insightful -- that the two of us are a lot alike in that we are geeks who can function socially, up to a point. And its true.

He makes me want to shed all my BS. No lies. I want him to get to know me. I don't need to shock him into thinking I'm something I'm not. I don't need him to have some sort of dark history because he is so amazing without it. He makes me want to do more, and be a better person. And it's amazing. And I want to share it all with him.

Tuesday, March 09, 2004

Tue, 09 Mar 2004 14:46:54 GMT

Narcissism:

Onigiriman's comment to my last entry regarding modesty is interesting, especially since blogging is a particularly narcissistic activity. I have always used private blogs (i.e. keep out, trespassers beware) because I tend to use writing as an outlet for those topics which I think are too controversial for everyday conversation (unless I'm sitting at my favorite coffeeshop which boasts an unusual number of intelligent people willing to talk about everything from Schopenhauer to the latest grunge band).

I tend to say the things that everyone thinks, but no one wants to say for fear of what others will think of them. Why have a public blog? Sure, you get thought-provoking discussion, insight, feedback... but you also make the assumption that your life and your thoughts are interesting and important enough to warrant all of that. Furthermore, although I don't think anyone would admit it, we are looking for acceptance and admiration for what we have to say. The same thing that drives people to perform in front of audiences drives people to have public blogs. At least that's my theory.

For example, let's take a parallel between dancing salsa and public blogs. When I know someone is watching me dance, I tend to pay attention to the little things when I dance more -- my technique improves, the styling with my arms and playfulness with my partner in general increases. When I know someone is going to read a blog entry (versus my own private blog), I tend to organize my thoughts more, throw in a few more multi-syllabic words or at least try to sound more intelligent. We all do it whether we want to admit it or not.

Even as I type now, I realize that I am making more of an effor than in my last entry when I thought no one was reading my Xanga entries anymore. Case in point.

Thursday, March 04, 2004

Thu, 04 Mar 2004 15:45:44 GMT

I was trying to figure out why I love dancing street salsa so much. With the release of the horrible movie Dirty Dancing 2: Havana Nights, I pray that the DC salsa scene does not become inundated with people who want to come and "feel" the music. But at the same time, people like attention, especially admiration. And if people think the dancing in that movie is something to strive for, then I will look like a dancing goddess. Or something akin to that. And no matter how shallow it seems, it feels good to be admired... to be the one on the dance floor everyone's eyes are attached to (bad LeeAnn, ending a sentence with a preposition, oh well).

Friday, February 06, 2004

Fri, 06 Feb 2004 11:48:01 GMT

Explaining what my name means cracks me up sometimes. My
my first name was derived from my last name in Korea (Lee) and my mother's name (Ann) and my middle name (Michelle) is the female counterpart to my father's name (Michael). It was either LeeAnn or Colleen, but to name a Korean girl Colleen O'Neill would have been a cruel cultural joke.

I had a strange realization yesterday when a very nice boy (whose heart I will probably break because he is that guy in high school was an overachiever, well liked, conservative with tendencies to have dark thoughts but never acted on them) emailed me saying this:

"I love the way you write, by the way, which I should, I suppose because you're a writer. I was especially a fan of "cloistered academic in my ivory tower spewing esoteric "gobbldygook" ". That was a phenomenol sentence."

I do my best writing in emails to my friends, or in this case, someone who would make a wonderful friend, but has already fallen in love with the idea of being with me. I can see it in his eyes that, to him, I'm this crazy, vibrant, untamable little bundle of asian energy that can barely be contained and he wants to catch it. Don't ask me why I know this, but I do.

I got to work at 7:15 this morning and I'm already lagging. So much for being Superwoman.

Friday, January 30, 2004

Fri, 30 Jan 2004 14:04:58 GMT

Christmas thoughts -- I already posted this on a different blog, but since people actually read this one and my brain has been particularly dark lately, I figured I would post it here for posterity or something like that.

Christmas Music: I’ve had it with Christmas Music. We are talking about a whole genre of music that succeeds mainly based, not on talent, skill, or merit, but on the willingness of people all around the world to surround themselves with inane seasonally relevant ramblings. Think of it like this: If the world suddenly decided that every March would be Brittney Spears month and everywhere you went for the entire month of March all that you heard was Brittney Spears, you’d snap. There would come a day, probably sometime in February, when you’d turn to your wife and say, “Martha, it’s been a great run, but I just can’t take it anymore.” And then you’d off yourself. Shouldn’t we hold Christmas music to the same standard?

Gingerbread: A gingerbread man living in a gingerbread house makes for a very disturbing parallel with a real man.

San: If San Diego, San Francisco, and San Jose are all men and Santa Clara and Santa Barbara are women, then what about Santa Claus? If we’ve all been duped by a jolly cross dresser from the frigid north, I think we should do some digging… especially Mrs. Claus.

Magic: If parents are going to treat their kids like idiots and tell them a magical fat man brings them their presents, then I think kids ought to return the favor. So, the next time a baby boomer asks you for help operating his plasma screen TV, tell him that magical wood nymphs inside make it work and if the baby boomer isn’t good, and most of them aren’t, Santa
will give him the beating of his life.

Mistletoe: Here’s an interesting but true fact. According with holiday tradition, people kiss under the mistletoe. However, in Norse Mythology, a mistletoe is used to kill the most beautiful and beloved member of their Pantheon. His death is a
critical step towards the end of the world in a cataclysmic battle called Ragnarok. Just food for thought while you’re making out with your cousin under the mistletoe.

Thursday, January 22, 2004

Thu, 22 Jan 2004 23:28:03 GMT

It's one of those days, when the weight of the world seems almost too much, like a willow branch reaching its breaking point under the weight of a heavy snowfall.

I find myself thinking about Kamran. I find myself searching for a reason, an excuse, to end things. And it's almost too easy. But when I'm with him, and have his undivided attention, I forget all of those excuses and revel in the moment of being with him. Those moments are too few and far in between and I'm getting restless.

I can think of a dozen reasons to end things:

1. The age difference bothers me on several levels. First, he will never take me seriously, he will never see me as a true equal, he will always think in the back of his mind that because he has lived longer, he knows more. Second, while I don't consider myself a particularly material person, I have to remind myself that he is almost 40. He is past his prime and it only goes downhill from here. And it would take nothing less than true love for me to stay attracted to him. And I wonder if this is it because I have felt so much more.

2. The reason why John and I lasted so long is because we had so much more on several levels: a) we emotionally leaned on each other for support rather than pushing the other person away at the first sign of stress, b) we had similar interests and really pushed each other to pursue those interests, c) we had similar outlooks on life -- don't sit around planning, just do it and you'll have no regrets -- granted, it took John a little longer to learn that, d) we took risks...

3. Kamran will hate me when I make more money than he does and become more successful. He will begin to resent me for who I am -- someone who plans and then follows through. And it will make him feel bad about himself just as John started to let it get the better of him. And had I not left John, he would not be where he is now.

4. His control complex will drive me to drastic measures. The fact that he pushes me away when he should be leaning on me for support angers me from the bottom of my being. The fact that he is always the dominent one in bed will drive me crazy because of the control issues I harbor. I need to have the choice to give or relinquish control. The fact that he tries as hard as he can not to appear weak around me only goes to show that it will get worse as he gets older and comes into more problems.

5. I need to be with someone who inspires me to do more by being an example himself. I want to be the one dragged out of bed at the crack of dawn to go do something new and exciting. I want to get a phone call at work saying that he found a new recipe that we *must* try and that we need to meet after work to go grocery shopping. I want someone who will live *with* me, not watch me live.

6. At the end of the day, I am an intellectual. I like to read philosophy. I like to study. I love learning new languages for the sake of learning. I am the type to write a novel, just to see if I can do it. I don't care if I end up with someone in a blue collar job as long as they are an intellectual at the end of the day. Kamran is not.

The list goes on and my mind grows weary as I think about all of these things. And then I try to think about why I stay with him. And I only can think of one thing -- that I never gave John a real chance to save our relationship. I walked away and didn't look back until it was too late. I would have had a good life, a prosperous life, a fulfilling life had I given it my all. But I gave up when things started to flounder, when we started to drift apart. And rather than confronting him and trying to work things out, I ran away. I gave that relationship everything I had at the beginning, and it tore my heart apart giving so much. And so I stopped giving as much. And it showed.

I'm convinced that if two people really want to, they can make it work without compromising your values and your wants too much. There is no such thing as one true love. Only commitment. And I have never been able to commit to anyone. Or maybe its because no one has ever been able to commit to me. John was the only one to give me unconditional love -- he would have put up with almost anything from me because he loved me for the right reasons. Not to say that he would have loved me always because people change, but as long as I stayed true to myself he would have loved me...

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

Wed, 21 Jan 2004 16:10:24 GMT

I hate being sick.