My only successful attempt at being narcissistic online is at www.myspace.com/triphopx.

I'm so bad about blogging. I'll never be one of those bloggers who has everyone reading their blogs everyday. Maybe I'm not narcissistic enough. Or maybe I'm too busy living life to spend it in front of a computer to display it for everyone else. I'm only ever home long enough to eat and sleep. I only ever blog when I'm bored at work, which will end shortly enough (today is my last day!). Soon my days will be filled with:

1. Law school

2. Street salsa dance group practices and performances; teaching private salsa lessons; just letting loose and dancing; keeping my promise to myself to not lose track of salsa in law school

3. Travelling to NYC as much as possible

4. Freelance work for an old boss of mine

5. Bike rides and jogs everywhere

6. More gym time (can't wait to start getting a free gym membership through the school!)

7. Live music, blues, jazz, latin jazz, whatever...

8. Harvesting the veggies and things in my garden

9. Loving being single because its the only time I have to do everything I want -- and the day I find a guy I can do everything I want while still being with him is the day I'll get married.

I finally started working on my novel again. I don't know why it took me so long. I think it has something to do with the fact that I tend to be drawn towards the dark, moody, broody, intense types and letting them draw me into their world. My sense of suffocation at the end of my 2.5 year relationship with John was a sinking feeling that I had lost myself somewhere in the midst of coupledom, that I didn't do the things I loved because I was so intent on making things work out... but more than anything, I was afraid of leaving him behind in the dust. Even with Kamran, I found myself altogether too often at his house watching TV, something I never do on my own time, but because I wanted to spend time with him, that's what we did. He took me to nice restaurants, then we watched TV. And so I stopped doing the things that I like to do, that make it more bearable to live because of these guys. Not their faults, though, I should have been more adament about prioritizing my "me" time.

Being single has made me realize that I started being okay with not needing companionship (friend or otherwise) to do the things I like to do. And now, some of my most fulfilling times are the days I wake up at 6 am and head to the gym, or to the Farmer's Market, or to the cafe to do the crossword alone. And I started to enjoy my nights to myself when both roommates were gone and I could just sit at my desk and write with a cup of tea by my side. Moving to the new house with Sean and Lexi will help with the nights at home because with Elana moving to Adams Morgan, I'll no longer feel the need to avoid being home. At the same time, I have her to thank for getting me out of the house and doing things I probably would not otherwise do.

My thoughts are very scattered today. I don't think my body adjusted well to daylight savings, although I'll appreciate it when the weather gets a little sunnier, less rainy and a wee bit warmer and I can grill after work :).  I'm totally ga-ga over my new grill and I can't wait for spring to really kick in.

Jeremy

I met a boy I actually like. One who can be sweet and sensitive, but has that glint of evil in his eye that says he's not a pushover. One who is young at heart and body but has a maturity of mind rarely found these days. One who understands that life really is too short to waste away each day doing nothing.

He's the type to play trivial pursuit until 3 am, listen to bluegrass over a pint of good beer, go to a soccer game, buy green tea at the farmer's market, spend time with his family, travel to any country he can possibly figure out how to find a cheap plane ticket to, talk and laugh with limbs entwined, be responsible while letting go, be chivalrous without being pretentious, joke about being a boy scout and fuzzy handcuffs all in the same breath, be shy and tentative and demanding a minute later in bed, appreciate my superman underwear, appreciate cooking and discovering new food... and I know all this and I barely know him. It can only get better from here.

He said something extremely insightful -- that the two of us are a lot alike in that we are geeks who can function socially, up to a point. And its true.

He makes me want to shed all my BS. No lies. I want him to get to know me. I don't need to shock him into thinking I'm something I'm not. I don't need him to have some sort of dark history because he is so amazing without it. He makes me want to do more, and be a better person. And it's amazing. And I want to share it all with him.

Narcissism:

Onigiriman's comment to my last entry regarding modesty is interesting, especially since blogging is a particularly narcissistic activity. I have always used private blogs (i.e. keep out, trespassers beware) because I tend to use writing as an outlet for those topics which I think are too controversial for everyday conversation (unless I'm sitting at my favorite coffeeshop which boasts an unusual number of intelligent people willing to talk about everything from Schopenhauer to the latest grunge band).

I tend to say the things that everyone thinks, but no one wants to say for fear of what others will think of them. Why have a public blog? Sure, you get thought-provoking discussion, insight, feedback... but you also make the assumption that your life and your thoughts are interesting and important enough to warrant all of that. Furthermore, although I don't think anyone would admit it, we are looking for acceptance and admiration for what we have to say. The same thing that drives people to perform in front of audiences drives people to have public blogs. At least that's my theory.

For example, let's take a parallel between dancing salsa and public blogs. When I know someone is watching me dance, I tend to pay attention to the little things when I dance more -- my technique improves, the styling with my arms and playfulness with my partner in general increases. When I know someone is going to read a blog entry (versus my own private blog), I tend to organize my thoughts more, throw in a few more multi-syllabic words or at least try to sound more intelligent. We all do it whether we want to admit it or not.

Even as I type now, I realize that I am making more of an effor than in my last entry when I thought no one was reading my Xanga entries anymore. Case in point.